I tend to be quite the observant person. I have been my whole life. One thing I tend to always be drawn in while people watching is other couples. I'm fascinated by the different personality types and how people handle different situations with each other. That's of course the psychology geek coming out of me, but I take these observations and try my best to apply them to my own life and relationship to make it better and stronger. I'm by no means an expert on how to have the "perfect" relationship, but Caleb and I have been going strong for a good 4 years now, and I can definitely tell we're heading in the right direction with each other. Here are a few things I've learned over the course of time that have helped to make our relationship stronger and healthier.
1. There's a time and place to be jealous
When one person in the relationship gets a little jealous over something it can be a little flattering to the other person. However, there is are certain situations where it's unacceptable. Don't get jealous over a personal success in your significant others' life. If you're jealous, how can you be supportive? You should feel happy for them, not upset because they are doing better at work than you are. There is nothing worse than being excited about something and then the most important person in your life deflating that excitement. Do get jealous when someone else flirts with your significant other. Not to an extreme where you get mad and get in a full blown argument, but definitely let your significant other know "hey you're mine!" It will make them feel more wanted and show that you care because it should bother you a little bit that someone else out in the world had their eye on your love.
2. Never go to bed angry
Ok so you had a fight. It happens. It's good to fight...it keeps things spicy. However, you don't want to start off the next day with that same heaviness in your heart. Don't end a fight by stomping off to bed and "sleeping" on the subject. For one, you won't get a good night sleep, and two, you don't want to wake up to the same problem that you got no where with the night before. Do talk it out before laying down for the night. You might not fix everything, but you can go to bed knowing that tomorrow things are going to be better. It's better to lose an hour or two of sleep than to not sleep at all because you're still so upset about what's going on in your relationship.
3. Fighting in public = bad
You think yelling at your significant other in front of a bunch of people will make them embarrassed for what they did to you? Think again, it's actually embarrassing for you. Issues that are going on in your relationship are between you and your significant other, not you, your significant other, and the rest of the world. Don't argue while out and about, but at the same time of course don't just pretend everything is okay, too. That's exhausting. Do let your significant other know you're not happy with what is going on and inform them that you think you guys should leave now or that you need to talk about things later when you're alone. Your significant other will have so much more respect for you when you do that and you won't embarrass yourself in front of a group of strangers, your friends, or your family.
4. Yelling usually doesn't work
When people yell at me it goes in one ear and out the other to be completely honest. When the voices get louder, my hearing gets smaller. Don't start off by screaming at your significant other. Do TALK to them about what is upsetting you. If you have a more calm argument or talk or whatever else you want to call it, you will likely be able to resolve it faster. The other person is going to be more willing to listen when you aren't screaming at them. Also, if you're livid, you're going to make your significant other livid. Emotion is contagious. So as hard as it is, anger management is key here. Take a few deep breaths and speak your mind. But hey if the jerk cheated on you, I give you full permission to scream, throw his clothes over the balcony, and whatever you feel like doing. Just try your best to always be the bigger person in an argument.
5. Remember you can't take back what you say
Once something is said, it's said. You can't take back what you say. Don't say things in anger. No matter how many times you apologize for it and your significant other has forgiven you for it, it was still said and it will always be remembered that you said it. Do tell your significant other you need a break from the conversation if you feel these words coming on. Sometimes clearing your head will also clear your heart. The hurtful feelings will float away and be replaced with more rational thoughts and words that you can bring to the conversation to fix whatever is going on.
6. Make them miss you
Alone time and time with friends is still important when you're in a relationship. Of course you want to do everything in the world with your significant other, but there are some things that your significant other is going to like doing more than you do and vice versa. That's okay. Don't force them to do a hobby they don't enjoy as much as you do. Do use that as your "me" time to do those hobbies. That way they can go do one of their favorite things while you do yours. You'll come back later that day or the next and appreciate the time you do get to spend doing things with each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder ;)
7. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're both slaves
We're all free people here in America, right? Don't set rules for when your significant other can and can't do something. Don't make a rule that they can't play videos games at this specific time or until the laundry is folded. No, just no. You're not their mother. If it's not working for you and you can't see yourself living the rest of your life like that or even the next couple months then it is what it is. Do compromise on things that irritate you or on important things in your mind that need to get done. There's nothing wrong with politely asking for your significant other to do something now instead of later. If there the answer is always later and that bothers you than once again it is what it is. But you have to remember they're free to do what they want and if they don't want to compromise with you then that's something to seriously think about.
8. It takes 100% from both sides
People say relationships are 50/50. That's not possible. If you're only giving 50% of yourself to your relationship then you're not fully in your relationship. You're only half in it. It takes 100% effort from both sides to make it work. Don't let your significant other do more work than you all the time just as you shouldn't be doing more work than your significant other all the time. This goes for showing affection, chores, taking care of the kids, the pets, etc. Do give all you've got and find someone who is going to give all they've got. It's harder than it sounds, I know, but never settle for less than you deserve because what you deserve is someone who loves you so much that they will put in 100% effort to make you the happiest person in the world. ♥
1. There's a time and place to be jealous
When one person in the relationship gets a little jealous over something it can be a little flattering to the other person. However, there is are certain situations where it's unacceptable. Don't get jealous over a personal success in your significant others' life. If you're jealous, how can you be supportive? You should feel happy for them, not upset because they are doing better at work than you are. There is nothing worse than being excited about something and then the most important person in your life deflating that excitement. Do get jealous when someone else flirts with your significant other. Not to an extreme where you get mad and get in a full blown argument, but definitely let your significant other know "hey you're mine!" It will make them feel more wanted and show that you care because it should bother you a little bit that someone else out in the world had their eye on your love.
2. Never go to bed angry
Ok so you had a fight. It happens. It's good to fight...it keeps things spicy. However, you don't want to start off the next day with that same heaviness in your heart. Don't end a fight by stomping off to bed and "sleeping" on the subject. For one, you won't get a good night sleep, and two, you don't want to wake up to the same problem that you got no where with the night before. Do talk it out before laying down for the night. You might not fix everything, but you can go to bed knowing that tomorrow things are going to be better. It's better to lose an hour or two of sleep than to not sleep at all because you're still so upset about what's going on in your relationship.
3. Fighting in public = bad
You think yelling at your significant other in front of a bunch of people will make them embarrassed for what they did to you? Think again, it's actually embarrassing for you. Issues that are going on in your relationship are between you and your significant other, not you, your significant other, and the rest of the world. Don't argue while out and about, but at the same time of course don't just pretend everything is okay, too. That's exhausting. Do let your significant other know you're not happy with what is going on and inform them that you think you guys should leave now or that you need to talk about things later when you're alone. Your significant other will have so much more respect for you when you do that and you won't embarrass yourself in front of a group of strangers, your friends, or your family.
4. Yelling usually doesn't work
When people yell at me it goes in one ear and out the other to be completely honest. When the voices get louder, my hearing gets smaller. Don't start off by screaming at your significant other. Do TALK to them about what is upsetting you. If you have a more calm argument or talk or whatever else you want to call it, you will likely be able to resolve it faster. The other person is going to be more willing to listen when you aren't screaming at them. Also, if you're livid, you're going to make your significant other livid. Emotion is contagious. So as hard as it is, anger management is key here. Take a few deep breaths and speak your mind. But hey if the jerk cheated on you, I give you full permission to scream, throw his clothes over the balcony, and whatever you feel like doing. Just try your best to always be the bigger person in an argument.
5. Remember you can't take back what you say
Once something is said, it's said. You can't take back what you say. Don't say things in anger. No matter how many times you apologize for it and your significant other has forgiven you for it, it was still said and it will always be remembered that you said it. Do tell your significant other you need a break from the conversation if you feel these words coming on. Sometimes clearing your head will also clear your heart. The hurtful feelings will float away and be replaced with more rational thoughts and words that you can bring to the conversation to fix whatever is going on.
6. Make them miss you
Alone time and time with friends is still important when you're in a relationship. Of course you want to do everything in the world with your significant other, but there are some things that your significant other is going to like doing more than you do and vice versa. That's okay. Don't force them to do a hobby they don't enjoy as much as you do. Do use that as your "me" time to do those hobbies. That way they can go do one of their favorite things while you do yours. You'll come back later that day or the next and appreciate the time you do get to spend doing things with each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder ;)
7. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're both slaves
We're all free people here in America, right? Don't set rules for when your significant other can and can't do something. Don't make a rule that they can't play videos games at this specific time or until the laundry is folded. No, just no. You're not their mother. If it's not working for you and you can't see yourself living the rest of your life like that or even the next couple months then it is what it is. Do compromise on things that irritate you or on important things in your mind that need to get done. There's nothing wrong with politely asking for your significant other to do something now instead of later. If there the answer is always later and that bothers you than once again it is what it is. But you have to remember they're free to do what they want and if they don't want to compromise with you then that's something to seriously think about.
8. It takes 100% from both sides
People say relationships are 50/50. That's not possible. If you're only giving 50% of yourself to your relationship then you're not fully in your relationship. You're only half in it. It takes 100% effort from both sides to make it work. Don't let your significant other do more work than you all the time just as you shouldn't be doing more work than your significant other all the time. This goes for showing affection, chores, taking care of the kids, the pets, etc. Do give all you've got and find someone who is going to give all they've got. It's harder than it sounds, I know, but never settle for less than you deserve because what you deserve is someone who loves you so much that they will put in 100% effort to make you the happiest person in the world. ♥